Saturday, January 14, 2012

Some Things I Learned in 2011.

It would be an understatement to say that I learned a lot in 2011.  This past year has truly changed me for the better.  This is just a short summary of some very important things that I have learned:

I learned that even though my life didn't go as I planned, I'm okay with it.  
It wasn't in my plan to get pregnant when I was 18.  It wasn't in my plan to become a single mother.  It wasn't in my plan to have joint custody with a person that I couldn't trust.  It wasn't in my plan to have to deal with not only the physical, but the emotional hurt of the whole situation.  It just wasn't what I had planned.  God clearly had something planned though.  It was His plan for me to have a beautiful son, Caleb.  It was His plan for me to be a single mother, and meet a wonderful man that would love not only me, but Caleb too.  It was in His plan for me to have wonderful people in my life to help me deal with the pain I was experiencing.  He had a plan for me all along, and it took a long time for me to realize that, but I am truly happy.

I learned that I do deserve love.
For too long I believed that I was unlovable.  I felt like the bad decisions of my past made me used, dirty, and broken.  I had a baby with someone that never truly loved me, and it hurt.  I let myself believe that if someone would not treat me the way I deserved in a situation like that, than no one ever would.  Let me just say that sex before marriage DOES effect people whether they immediately realize it or not.  Not only can it effect you physically, but it leaves emotional scars as well.  I had had enough of the hurt, I was exhausted.  I had to realize that I did have worth, and I did deserve to love and to be loved, and that I deserved better.  That's when God brought my boyfriend Matt into the picture, and he loved me for the person I had become, not the person I was, and it was amazing.

I learned that not all guys are the same.
Life isn't like the movies.  Watch any chick flick and you can immediately spot which guy is going to break the main girls heart.  You immediately know who the jerk is, the bad guy, the villain.  Life isn't like that, and unfortunately I learned that the hard way, a few times.  So I just convinced myself that that was just how it was, guys were just jerks.  I'll admit that when Matt and I started dating I had my guard up, I was waiting for him to turn into a jerk, and it just wasn't happening, which was even scarier.  He didn't tell me what I wanted to hear just to get what he wanted.  He didn't criticize me to make me feel like I couldn't do better.  He respected me, he was kind to me, he was there for me.  Girls: there ARE good guys out there.  Do not settle for less than you deserve.  Do not give yourself away easily.  It is worth the wait, I promise.

I learned that anxiety is all in my mind and to calm down, because God is in control.
Caleb goes to his dad's house every other weekend.  It sucks.  For a long time I was so paralyzed by my fear when he was gone that something terrible would happen that I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sit still, I would worry myself to the point of making myself sick, and I hated being in my house because of how unsettling it was.  I would pop xanex to try and calm down, sometimes it helped me sleep, but it didn't really ease my mind.  Like many situations in the past few years, I decided to turn to God.  I came across Philippians 4:6-7 that says "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  So that's exactly what I did, I presented my anxieties to God, and I felt better than I ever had taking a pill.  It's a continuous thing though, Caleb goes over there every other weekend, which means that every other weekend I am presenting my anxieties to God, and he has and continues to bring me peace of mind.  Even though I am not with Caleb on those weekends, God is, and I know that he is watching over him.

I learned that praying is important.
Everyone has struggles.  Everyone has a story to tell.  Everyone has something they are dealing with.  Whatever it is, pray about it.  I have prayed more this year than I ever have before.  He has changed my situation, my mind, and my heart.  I have learned that it is just as important to pray when things are going well as it is when things are not going well.  God has changed not only my life this past year, but he has changed me as well.

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